It's 2015, Let's Talk About 2014
Sunday, January 11, 2015(Lengthy and photo heavy)
Hi guys! It's been a while since I made a blog post or even touched my blog but I'm back this year and hopefully it'll be an eventful year with lots of fun, traveling, shopping, and lots of personal growth. If you follow my instagram, you know that I just turned 17 and I've been really busy the whole week. I've been trying to get my life together and have been trying to stop putting off blogging and reviews. Anyways, here's what you've missed in 2014 that I haven't had the chance to completely talk about.
2014
My love life
Lots of you saw and knew lots of my relationship with TJ and how it went from happy to completely existent. I'm pretty sure that everyone has seen how badly things have gone since we broke up but I'm here to give my side of the story, or well, not exactly, but I'm here to talk about a few things. What happened between us is completely over and us ever getting back together will never happen again. Back when we dated, I only posted about the happy times which is why everyone saw us as happy and saw our break up as such a surprise. Truthfully the relationship was happy at one point of time (remember that one week we kept talking about getting married and my trip to Australia? It was that one week) but eventually we went down hill and it just didn't feel the same anymore. We did break up once but got back together thinking we could go back to something we used to have, but after a few days we broke up again and since then we haven't talked or talked about getting back together. Some of you may have seen all of the things he wrote about me or whatever and honestly, I'm over it - kinda. Since I still talk about it, obviously it's not completely over. I know that I put 110% in my relationship and treated him like a king, so him saying I didn't care about him was complete bullshit. After my relationship I realised how abusive he actually was and how unfair the relationship was. I trusted him with my life and even after the break up I never talked bad about him but ended up getting threatened to have my secrets spilled, unfair right? He called me a "little girl" and called my friends and followers "minions" but I wish I could've reminded him that I'm almost 18 and that the only child here is him - Honestly, who threatens an ex because her friends are saying shit to him? You can't handle everyone defending me so you threaten me. Mature, but what ever. You've moved on, stop attacking me. I'm moving on, and I hope you realise everything you did wrong to me was torture and it hits you in the face. If you're wondering how he could be abusive since we were in a long distance relationship, I'd like to clear up that he was verbally and mentally abusive. Although he never called me a slut or shamed me, he made me feel guilty for my feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and sadness. He made me feel as if I had no right to be sad or go through my issues since he had his own. I would always put him first in my life and would be the only one losing sleep. I'd stay up till 4 my time just to talk to him but all my efforts were wasted, seeing as he never tried doing the same for me. I'd be here to comfort him at any moment, to reassure him that I was here and that I loved him, but in the end he pushed me away and never opened up to me. Although he promised me to always be there, whenever I tried finding comfort he'd give half ass replies such as "okay" "sorry" "smh" and if I ever mentioned that I felt upset with it, he'd get angry saying he had his own shit. I tried to understand, honestly, since I would always ask what I could do to make him feel better and told him I loved him everyday - everyone goes through their own issues, I knew that, but just because you're dealing with your own doesn't mean you're allowed to belittle someone else just cause you're having a hard day.
If you looked through our texts, you'd know how I truly cared for him and that it was he who was the toxic one in my life. I'm glad it's over and I can honestly just never go through it again.
He left and I let him back because I loved him. I left and he pushed me out and called me toxic because he said he stopped loving me a long time ago - by the way, he said he's loved his new girlfriend for a while now, and I'm just kinda really fascinated by that since we were together for 10 months and we've known each other almost as long as I've been in highschool.
I trusted him with my life, and after this, I'm just no longer interested in relationships like that. I've built my wall high and strong and I won't let myself be destroyed like that again. I deserve better that and I want you guys to realise something I've learned after these 2 months since we've broken up:
You can't make someone love you. No matter what. You can't control what a person does or how they feel. If they don't love you anymore, let it go, because in the end all it will do is hurt you. I know it's hard to understand, but it's true and it's something you'll learn later in life if not now.
&
NEVER apologise for your feelings.
Love yourself before loving anyone else - key to happiness in relationships, I promise.
My health
As lots of you know I have never been the healthiest person and 2014 proved to be one of the hardest years for me. I struggled with my depression, stress, and anxiety even more and was struck with a hard hit of bulimia, something I'm still struggling with. I started Prozac for my depression and anxiety and it's helped me so much more handling stress and panic attacks. I go to therapy and see a psychiatrist often, so that's why I miss school a lot (if anyone was wondering). The beginning of 2014 was honestly the worst of my battle with health. I've talked about someone I used to talk to and someone that was important at one point of my life and talked about how he badly messed up my self esteem. It started summer of 2013 and led up a little up to February 2014, a little up into my relationship with TJ. Anyways, since I can't mention this guys name, I'll call him Jae Oppa. Jae Oppa and I didn't have an official relationship, but we had something which ultimately fucked me over in the end. After months of harsh words of "You'd look better with a thigh gap" and being compared to models and dancers, I felt I was no good in the end. Many people noticed it but I went on an extreme weight loss process which resulted in about 20lbs lost in a few weeks. I remember one week in January I lost 8lbs. I got very very sick from my unhealthy obsession with weight loss and the need to have a thigh gap and ect. Jae Oppa and I got in a fight over how he treated me and he said he never meant to make me feel like that, but after that, I couldn't accept the apologies, a few words scaring me badly. After I cut off all ties with Jae Oppa and started dating TJ, I seemed to be a lot better but thats when I developed my eating disorder. I started to take out my anger and sadness in throwing up. Instead of handling my issues with self harm, I started binge eating and throwing up and it's something I still haven't recovered from.
Although it's not as bad, it's still in a very bad loop.
Aside from my eating disorder, my depression was something I really struggled with and had a hard time dealing with. I was always sad and filled with self hatred. Although I'm on medication for my depression and I'm not as depressed as I was a few months ago, I'm still struggling with it. I've been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation since 6th grade.
The way I dropped weight and the way my skin health decreased definitely showed how badly I suffered.
Although as of Jan 1, 2015, I've been doing a lot better, I cannot deny I struggled a lot 2014. I'm working very hard to stay healthy and stay alive for everyone that matters.
(Obvious obsession with having tiny tiny legs)
Traveling
If you don't remember, during the month of April, I traveled to the Philippines and Korea and it was amazing. I honestly wished that I had more time to just travel and relax. I ate so much food and saw so much of my countries beauty. I was mostly in the country side and didn't get to spend much time in the city but I still loved it. You could do so much in such a short time and the money conversion was the best, tbh. Plus, I had so much access to Etude House, Tony Moly, and a bunch of other malls and cute clothes. Too bad I didn't spend enough time in the city to shop, hopefully I get to go back soon. Mom said she wanted to spend more time in Korea, and I'm looking forward to it!
There was so many little things I did in the Philippines and it was all so memorable from shopping to swimming in clear clear waters with the fish, even flying is so exciting for me. Although I don't enjoy the filipino language so much, it was so fun communicating with all my family and meeting new people. It was also really fun speaking with people in Korean even though I had to ask my friend for a lot of help and translations on Kakao haha. I can't wait to go back, honestly one month is not enough for me to enjoy anything. Next time I travel I need at least a year, 6 months minimum. No, but seriously.
Important People
Truthfully, OT3, Wife, Imogen, and Alyssa are so important to me and I'm so lucky to have met them during 2014. Well, actually I met Wife freshman year but we didn't get close till 2014.
OT3 - Me, Marielle, and Jasmine
I don't know why or how we became so close together but these ladies are so important to me. They've been through so much with me and I feel like we've known each other forever and our 1 year hasn't even passed yet. We all go together and whenever we're together we connect so easily. It's like, 3 works for us. Normal people have just one bestfriend or 4 in a group but us 3 works, a little weird when we eat dinner and sit at a square table, but other than that, all 3 of us together are the happiest. OT3 is my favorite and I'm so lucky and thankful to have them in my life. They were with me when I started dating TJ to my breakup, to my traveling and everyweek serenade coffee dates. They saw me in my high and lows and I just don't know what I would've done without them.
Wife
Truthfully Layne and I have been friends since freshman year but we didn't get close till 2014 and I'm so happy we did. Both of us are still kind of confused on how we even got this close but we're so happy to have each other. We're just going to get married and have boyfriends on the side and have a bunch of cute animals and shop and travel together. She's my rock and it's amazing how we connected so well. We have so much in common and we take care and relate to each other and she's always going to be my forever. We took care of each other through our own breakups and through our emotional problems and I'm so lucky to have someone so understanding.
Imogen
It's not even funny how much I love Imogen. I met her while I was dating TJ and ever since then she was just a huge motivation and help for me. I don't know if I would've been here to write this if it weren't for her. She's precious and someone I don't think I'd ever want to lose. I want to go to Australia just to see her and cuddle her because she's just so important to me. She accepted me and loved me with my ugly sides and listened to my issues and I love her. I honestly wish there were more people like her. We need more real life angels.
Alyssa
#AlyssaSquared for life, tbh. I've just gotten close to her recently, but I already love her so much and I honestly don't like people with the same name so she's really special. I wish her and Imogen lived closer to me. Little special babes. Honestly, I don't know how these people stumble into my life but I never want them to leave. I want to take care of her and snuggle her and honestly I just want her to be so happy in life. Honestly, Imogen and Alyssa are my tiny angels sent from above who are too far for me to get to and it's really sad. I love her and I'm so glad I know her.
Everyone else, all my support on Instagram
I just want to say thank you to everyone who follows me and supports me and cares for me. Some of you are honestly so sweet and I'm so happy to have you guys here. I know that I didn't have the best year and that you saw me at some of my worst times but I'm thankful you didn't leave me and encouraged me to keep going! Hopefully this whole blog post clears somethings you may have been curious about.
2015
Goals and Resolutions
It's just barely the very beginning of 2015 and I've already talked about goals and new years resolutions here and there. I talked about this in my video production class and my teacher said "When we write down goals, it feels like it's more motivating to get us to accomplish those things." and I believe it. 2014 isn't what I wanted it to be and I'm hoping 2015 will be a better year for me. It's a year of searching for myself. I want to find who I am and I want to be content with myself. That's my whole goal for this year, and for the rest of my life. To be happy with who I am. To be happy.
New Years Resolutions:
- Blog a lot more
- Take more photos of not myself, but of friends
- Buy more shoes
- Kiss more cute boys
- Lose 10kg, the healthy way
- Stop dying my hair
- Get my license
- Graduate highschool
- Travel more
- Expand Makeup knowledge
- Buy more color for my wardrobe
- Improve on my Japanese fluency
- Write more, finish more of my work
- Drink more water
- Sleep more
- Save Money
- Have healthier skin
- Spend more time with family and friends
- Be happy and love myself
- Make it through another year
I hope everyone has a good 2015 and if anything, come to me for advice and anything you'd like to know! Hopefully I continue to blog more and you enjoy them! Sorry that this post got a little lame and rushed towards the end of this post. I know most of my emotions were put into my explanation about TJ and my health. Anyways, I know a lot of you have been waiting for this so here it is! Love you guys!
Don't forget to comment and subscribe to my blog hehe~
9 comments
UR SO CUTE I LOVE U
ReplyDeleteWow, it really does seem like you've had a rough year. I love how descriptive you are in this post.
ReplyDeleteI can DEFINITELY relate to how your last relationship was like. My ex was completely like that and it literally made me emotional for days.
xoxo | Yu from Spine Breaker Blog
Hi, I've followed you on ig for a while and I enjoy everything you post. When I heard you were starting up your blog it was such great news and after reading this I still feel that way. You're only a couple years older than me but I admire you a lot. I hope you can achieve all of your goals and become healthier and happier!
ReplyDeleteTruly inspiring <3
ReplyDeleteI've been following your Instagram for awhile now and have always been quietly rooting for you. I wish you he very best in 2015 because for once you desire to be happy and healthy.
ReplyDeleteHi May! Followed you for a few months on instagram and am very excited to find out that you have an active blog now (yay +follow)!! You've inspired me to start fresh as well and make a new blog improve on~ :) Hoping 2015 treats you well along with new fun experiences and opportunities! ^____^
ReplyDeleteAw, I'm so glad I was here for so much of this & to know how much you value me as a friend since I feel like I knew so much of this already<3
ReplyDeleteI've been following you on ig for quite a while now and you've been my one and only inspiration ever since. I've seen you being both happy and sad. Truthfully, I did notice that you came a long way and became a much more stronger person and you don't even know how much that makes me happy. I didn't know how tough of a year you had, but reading this post made me tear up.Maybe even sobbed a little. I've been there too in the past and I know exactly how you felt and never in my life I would wish anyone to go through the same things as I did. I'm a much happier person now and seeing that you are too makes it so much more... awesome. Even though we don't know eachother, you were and still are the only one person i look up to. I hope this year will be different in a good way, may your goals and resolutions come true! Keep being awesome and an inspiration <3
ReplyDeleteChin up! You are so beautiful <3 Don't let some guy ever make you feel worthless.
ReplyDelete